The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Most often, we never talk about how difficult it can be to hear the constant criticism of our inner critic. Our negative self-talk begins when dealing with mistakes we have made, stress of trying to find a work-life balance, exposure to human suffering or just the overall feeling of not being good enough.
When life events occur, there is a tendency towards self-blame and criticism, a lack of self-forgiveness, the belief not being able to handle stress is a weakness, and possibly, maybe believing self-care is selfish.
Self-compassion is a way for us to improve our emotional health and well-being.
Exercising self-compassion can comfort negative emotions in the present, permanently heal painful memories from the past, and change negative core beliefs. Higher levels of self-compassion are linked to increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failureᶥ
According Kristen Neff, a leader in self-compassion training, self-compassion is a way of relating to oneself that is positive, accepting, and understandingᶥ It consists of three interrelated components:
Self-kindness- extending understanding and kindness to oneself, as opposed to being overly self-critical
Common humanity - prefaced on the idea that experiences are not isolating; we all have similar experiences
Mindfulness - keeping thoughts and feelings in a balanced awareness as opposed to dwelling on them or ignoring them entirely. Each component is distinct, yet interacts and mutually enhances the otherᶥ
Self-compassion is different from self-esteem as it is not based on self-evaluations. Self-esteem is about evaluating oneself in comparison to others. However, self-compassion involves being kind toward oneself without worrying about who is more intelligent, talented, etc. With self-compassion, our worth doesn’t come from how we compare to others. Instead, we are worthy of compassion just because we are human and sometimes imperfect.
Developing self-compassion does not come easy to most of us and is a skill to be practiced. As health care practitioners we extend compassion to our patients, colleagues, friends and family.
A simple beginning exercise is called “How I treat a friend”. When we are in a situation where we are struggling, ask: “How would I treat a friend in this situation? What would I say? What tone of voice would I use? What are my non-verbal gestures?”
Can you see the difference in how you treat your friend versus how you treat yourself? Can you extend kind words to yourself like “this is really hard” “others would feel the same way in this situation” or “I did my best.”
Self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong. When we feel inadequate, our self-concept is threatened, our threat-defense system is triggered and we try to resolve the problem by attacking ourselves. When we practice self-compassion, we deactivate the threat-defense system and activate the caring system; making us feel safe and cared for.
In the words of the 14th Dalai Lama, an esteemed scholar of compassion: “For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare. . . Caring for others requires caring for oneself”².
ᶥNeff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. doi:10.1080/15298860390129863
²Dalai Lama. Transforming the mind: teachings on generating compassion. Hammersmith, London: Thorsons; 2003.
Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. The Guilford Press